Submitted by: dunno source via Submission Page
-
-
-
Copy & paste this:
« Previous Chris Hansen Will Be With You In A Moment | Eye Can Empathize Next »
« Previous Chris Hansen Will Be With You In A Moment | Eye Can Empathize Next »
lmao xD
yeah, a tree’s really sexy. x)
Well with a tree, we are just a stone’s throw away from a bush (yes like shrub) and it does not take you long to make the bush association and then we’ve come full circle.
Seriously… It’s wrong? That is so old school… Wonder where this person is from!
Apparently he’s a Protestant from the 1600s…
Time travelers need to stay off the internet!
LMAO @ lallie, that was awesome!
Or a Christian who read the Bible…. Lust = bad, and masturbation is an act of lust.
I’d be willing to bet my paycheck the person who posted this has worn fabrics of mixed fiber, or has touched a woman “in menses” without performing the appropriate cleansing rites, or failed to stone to death known harlots, or any of a thousand other infractions listed in the Bible.
Cherry pickers…
Or a Catholic from now.
Hey Dina, I’m a Catholic, and I just wanked 20 mins ago. How you feel about stereotypes now? I could prove it.
Prove that you wanked? No thanks, I think we’ll pass.
WIN
Think of trees…think of trees…think of trees:
http://thingsthataredoingit.com/2010/02/08/inanimate-hawtness-oh-god-shes-half-tree/
Rule 34!
404, actually. D:
Hey, if a tree gives you wood, then I guess your dog still loves you. You can just forget about people looking at you the same, though.
OH!…gigity.
Certainly makes “cracking a woody” take on a whole new meaning I guess?
Badum-psh
nice
maybe jesus should ask his dad WHY he chose to give us these urges and then tell us not to act on them.
I think it makes sense in an old testament time of arranged marriages and extremely high morality rates? the more sex you have with women instead of your hand, the higher your chances of procreating, and the bigger and more powerful your tribes will be, etc.
but in these modern times, it’s completely irrelevant and probably one of those pesky Leviticus rules.
*mortality, heh
…actually, it’s not a rule at all. The Bible never mentions masturbation. Legalistic religious people made up the rule because that seems to be what they do when the Bible doesn’t mention something, just put it off-limits. Heaven forbid we use our God-given logic and free will…
Most of the things religious people do or say were made up rules in just the past few Centuries and not things in the actual Bible. These people give religion a bad name when it shouldn’t have one…It makes me wonder if most Atheists have even ever read a bible.
Christopher Hitchens
Wait, you see religious people doing things that are made up rules and not in the Bible, and wonder if atheists read the Bible?
I don’t see the connection.
In fact, I think what you said would make more sense if you wrote: ‘It makes me wonder if most Christians have even ever read a bible’.
I did. And I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at some parts, because people actually buy into it!
I’m an atheist and currently in the process of reading the bible. It may not mention masturbation, but it does say far worse things. One of the many examples I could use would be how it says you should stone homosexuals to death.
Executing women for allowing themselves to be raped is probably a stronger example.
There is, however, a bit in Leviticus that says something about not spilling seed on the ground or having ‘nocturnal emissions’ which people interpret as being anti-masturbation. But, as 142978 pointed out, that’s more of a “we need greater numbers, so ave sex with women” thing.
I guess that would also explain the anti-gay sentiment in Leviticus – it’s for the sake of populating.
The bible is about as handy now as a technical manual for an IBM 286.
I guess the Bible wasn’t made to last the times then.
…not if you’re thinking about having sex with that tree. haha
This pretty much sums up why religious people should be put in landfill.
Agreed. That guy probably masturbated 10 times since this was posted anyway.
Imbecile! *smacks upside head* Revealing our plans too soon!
i have to point out that NOT masturbating can be harmful and have side effects. like stress acne.
I masturbate and I DO have stress acne O_o
LOL made my day
…not quite *that* much.
Not cleaning out your pipes can predispose you to testicular, prostate, or lady-parts cancer.
Do your part to diminish these illnesses, touch yourself and do it often. But not too often…
lol I’m a medical student and that is one of the biggest myths ever created by masturbators rofl.
anyway, it’s interesting how everytime a Christian does something, it becomes a rule that they are being forced to follow lol
Can’t it be like a person choosing to become a vegetarian because they want to?
http://books.google.nl/books?id=XCxUsILuJeIC&pg=RA1-PA317&lpg=RA1-PA317&dq=sexual+desires++towards+trees&source=bl&ots=_4k3cNp1zj&sig=ed-HWWl2kKtQZOs2HMsUmcX4Ib8&hl=nl&ei=-4IPTNXPJJOuOLvylfwK&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBUQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false
Apparently, masturbating to a tree would be considered sexual(and ‘impure’) simply because you’re aroused by a tree. If you were a stag, it would not be considered sexual…
Those bastards get all the fun.
ANYTHING can be related back to sex.
mm, rule 34 I believe?
Anything is possible through Jesus. Except making the world realise that it’s all a man-made fantasy. Religion should be consigned to the realms of mythology for good.
…but then Sierra will make overly complex games about it.
Is that what you want? You monster!
Wow. Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking… both agnostic and open to monotheism. But you know better then both of them. You are a genius!
Stop with the arrogant crapola, super-G. You make atheists look bad.
The stories of Creationism and magical sea highways are just fantasies.
Einstein and Hawking are agnostic which means that their belief is that “we don’t know if there’s a god!”.
But.. the god in todays relgions are not likely to exist.
They’re open to monoetheism, the belief of one creator/god, but cerainly not Christianity, Islam or whatever. They’re just stories of ignorance.
Ditto to you, Failkid. You make atheists look bad.
Atheism is becoming more and more like a religion: just a bunch of people who bash on others who don’t agree with them, and say that they know “the truth.”
Agnosticism is where all the gangstas at. Stop hatin’.
Win.
NO Einstein clearly was not in anyway open to Christianity or any religion. In his own words a personal god does not exist.
Monotheism =/= Abrahamic Religion, at least not necessarily.
Deism anyone?
Eff ya Thomas Jefferson.
holla
I agree with you. Ignore the Jibble [he/she] knows not of what they speak.
“I contend we are both atheists, I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.”
…Stephen F Roberts
The Jibble shall not be ignored! For it/he/she shall reign down toads and lice upon thy infertile grounds and smite thee with smote and smut and Pizza Hut!
The Jibble knows all, frumpypoop!
Atheism is just as bit, if not more illogical as Religion. If you say you KNOW no God exists, you’re an idiot. Whereas religion at least gives the fact that we are just tiny little specks of flesh in a vast universe a chance. And that we really don’t know S**T. So Gods really a big possibility.
Aliens are possible too! All hail our triffid overlords.
Bad example. Alien microbes are likely to have evolved elsewhere in the universe, if not the solar system. May I recommend using Unicorns instead?
Hmm… your logic is off somewhere. “Religion at least gives the fact…” religion provides no facts, it is based upon faith.
“Gods a really big possibility,” perhaps, but is it not just as likely there is not a god? It seems to be 50/50 shot depending on what side of the line you stand.
Also, atheism IS a religion. Just to clarify.
If atheism is a religion, not collecting stamps is a hobby.
Humans not knowing s**t = God existing?
I think you have things round the wrong way.
Atheism means you don’t believe in God or believe there is no God. All atheists I know would change their mind in a second if they were shown evidence of gods. Remember, we are all born atheist; it is the default position.
It is atheists above all others that realise we are just a tiny speck in the comos – that we are not special – unlike religion which not only claims to KNOW God/Gods exist, claims to know exactly what ones they are, their personalities, claims to know WHAT THEY WANT, exactly what they will get pissed off about, and where they will send you if you piss them off.
So yeah, logic – You’re doing it wrong.
Also, possible /= probable.
Incorrect, it really depends upon how you define atheist but I along with most atheists do not claim to “know” that there isn’t a god. We just don’t believe there is one. We don’t “know” there isn’t a god in the same sense we don’t know that there isn’t a pitbull in the empire state building right now. You don’t believe there is one, because that’s pretty unlikely, but entirely possible so you don’t “know” for sure.
Harry Potter is a BIG possibility. I mean there’s a book on it, a lot of people like this book, and it has moral lessons in it. I mean, we’re not supposed to take it ALL seriously but as worthless muggles, we should know to obey our lord, Harry or else we fall to Vold-
My would he want to masturbate his ex?
no no, he means “ex” as in something he used to do, but no longer does. Not “ex” as in Ex girlfriend.
Bad example. I used to do my ex girlfriend and no longer do.
baha… sure. Let me rephrase that:
He means “ex” as in “I used to be an officer in the Navy, now I am no longer, so that makes me an ex naval officer.
Not the same as:
Telemnar has an irritating habit of telling people they are not good at explaning things and that is why his girlfriends leave him and he now only has ex girlfriends.
xD
I’m wondering if keithybabes was being sarcastic…
Well durr!
The internet is the bane of sarcastic people everywhere. I got the joke.
You don’t say.
…I would feel sorry for this Christard if he weren’t so pompous about his idiotic decision.
I would feel sorry for toth if he weren’t so pompous for thinking something he doesn’t agree with is idiotic.
Ahah, ^ win
^^ WIN
Oh, sexual thoughts are immoral… what a load of rubbish…
Get it? He said load.
ahhhhh christians. ensuring the evolutionary train just goes around in circles
Not all of them.
And anyways, evolution doesn’t exist! Right?
They had better pray evolution doesn’t exist, because the nutty super-Christians who faith heal and think that bacteria are good for them are the first to be naturally selected.
Never mind what I said before, I’m all for masturbation now!
And he reigneth down upon the earth boxes of kleenex and bottles of lotion.
THANK YOU, GOD!
And there was much rejoice.
oh god, what an idiot, who posts crap like this? too many people have no filter. it’s nothing to share w/ the rest of the fb world, nobody gives a crap what monkey you’re touching dude. not even god cares, if he did he woudln’t have given you a shlong to manhandle. duh. get over it. thanks Ben, i love that evolutionary train comment, perfectly stated.
My sister does
it’s one of the reasons why I’ve stopped using Farcebook.
ahaha I was so surprised that this was on this page =)
don’t think it was the wisest decision i made in my life (maybe closer to the worst), but now it’s all good =)
Wonders of internet! How small the world has become.
btw, ppl did give a crap ahaha i wish they didnt
btw, technically then god gave us Uranium to create nuclear bombs…doesn’t mean he wants us to blow up the earth (sry for the sarcarsm!)
Only hard wood.
mmmmmmmmmmhmm.. i like my trees big and green
http://verydemotivational.com/2010/06/08/demotivational-posters-nature-2/
Im sure Christian belive its sinful not just because the thoughts of something Lustful, but also wasting one’s seed. They also believe the semen to be filthy.
Oh look, we have an expert here! Keep going….
XD He’s got to be a troll with a name like that and the kWalitee posts.
I agree. Let’s see what else he can pull out of his butt
. Let’s hope for his sake that it’s some intelligence…
Wait…semen is filthy but they want to put it in women?
How rude.
The inconsiderate bastards. xD
I think it’s because of the same reason birth control is prohibited – to make more believers.
“They also believe the semen to be filthy.”
Show me where it says that in the Bible.
Surveys show that 90% of men masturbate and 10% of men lie to polsters.
…so…..carry the one, and add and….
S**t. All of this math is stressing me out. Time to go play with Mr. Hand.
amen!
I want to know where this guy’s getting his “Christ rules”. Probably from his insane pastor.
There’s a book that tries to explain how “good” christian children should handle puberty. It basically says masterbation leads to homosexuality as to why masterbation is bad, this is the kind of moronic bulls**t many christians believe.
What f’ing book is that?!? Most of the Xtians I know fire it up nightly with circle jerks and elephant walks. It’s in Golinthians XI. “Thou shalt circle up and walk the earth as elephants with thy schwartz betwixt thy legs…”
Yeah… I’m pretty sure, being Christian, that that’s not why most Christians and all that I know believe masturbation is bad. You might want to talk to actual people before you spout crap like that, just saying.
ahaha I made that on the spot actually
can’t you see how it relates from the previous comment? it was just a comeback coz the one who commented was my best friend lolol
Wait, don’t we all like masturbating to a tree? :O
Nope. I do it alone. Tree’s a crowd.
LMAO win!
Hobson’s Choice FTW!!!
I was in the optician’s the other day. He said ‘I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating’. I said ‘Is it making me go blind?’ and he said ‘ No, but it’s upsetting the other people in the waiting room’
What if you jack it to Jesus? Thoughts about Him can’t be impure, can they?
hahahahaha thats so disturbing
hahahah thats awesome…
*flashback to the South Park episode where Cartman’s Christian rock group sang sexy songs about Jesus*
I feel really sorry for this person. They probably felt like they had to “confess” their “sin” to others in order to properly deal with it and reduce the shame. I understand the mentality behind what they said, and it’s really not a fun one to live with.
Yep. When I was 12 our youth pastor gave us the “M word” talk(he seriously called it that because he couldn’t say masturbate) and how unholy it was and if you wanted to be truly forgiven you had to confess it to him. So I did..I think he probably went home that night and wanked off to all the thoughts of us horny adolescent girls getting ourselves off. I’m happy to say that little confession didn’t slow me down though..I still pleasure myself at least once a day.
what a sick bastard.
and the priest is gross too.
That is sick. It’s a biological thing for crying out loud! It doesn’t harm anybody, stop being an idiot. Ugh.
Christianity is getting out of hand, seriously. The other day I saw a video from a Christian summer camp for kids.. The lady yelled at the kids because they had read Harry Potter! She was calling him a warlock and saying that anyone who had read the books were impure and was with the devil. The poor kids were crying their eyes out!
That made me so angry!! Ugggh. It’s just a nice childrens’ book but she said the magic was the work of the devil and the kids had to go up and wash their hands in bottled water..
That is pure evil. They aren’t even allowed to read a stupid book.
Makes me hate that religion, even though I know not evey Christian is like that, but still..
My religion is so much simpler, in atheism there aren’t any stupid brain washing rules
My mom is a Christian and she loves Harry Potter. Same with my sister.
Shhh! Stop it, Chris. Sophie is 20-something and has the whole world figured out! All Xtians are in Jihad against Harry Potter don’t ya know!
Mmmmm Ménage à trois can i watch
Yeah, not all Christians have problems with Harry Potter. Check out John Granger’s books “The Hidden Key to Harry Potter” and “Finding God in Harry Potter” for a Christian DEFENSE of the Harry Potter books. Granger’s studied classical literature extensively and, while I don’t agree with 100% of his conclusions on the nature of the Harry Potter series, I do find his work fascinating to read.
amen! Or….Holla! rather.
“Christianity is getting out of hand”! LOL
Seriously, if God hadn’t meant us to masturbate we would have been given shorter arms.
And through the power of will, men would grow longer rods.
I just thought of all those poor T-Rexes…they couldn’t get their fap on.
“even though I know not evey Christian is like that”
Thank you! You are the first person to post anything like that. I appreciate it more than you know.
Jesus was an excellent fisherman, according to the Bible. He once caught tonnes of fish where there were no fish to be caught. So… doesn’t that kind of make him a master baiter too?
OMG. A twofer for you! XD
holy crap, that was great. hahah
Oh man, combine this with “tree’s a crowd” and you are officially my favorite person.
lol crazy christians…jesus christ
I give him 2 weeks at the outside before he starts stroking it again.
I give him five minutes.
F**k off, blue, and all you haters, some men respect women and do not masturbate. I for one never have and never will. And no, I am DEFINITELY not gay. I love women, I just care about them even more so.
Masturbation has nothing to do with respecting women. It’s a perfectly normal and natural release, like going to the bathroom or sneezing.
You act like women are disgusted by the notion of masturbating and don’t do it themselves. =/
Yeah, my tree outside is the best to touch up.
My, Christianity can sure inspire some fine examples of human stupidity. *bangs head against sexy tree*
There’s actually a term for people that get “aroused” by trees.
Dendrophiliacs.
Yeah, it really happens.
That’s kinda ironic because there’s this Atheist on youtube that goes by that name.
I’m a girl, I masturbate, and I’m a virgin! If I didn’t have masturbation, I might have wound up doing something stupid like having sex before I was ready or to simply satisfy an urge. Anyone that demonizes the act needs to get a life. There are far worse things to be doing, and it’s not as if those involved are harming anyone, unless it becomes an addition, which can happen, but then again, you can get addicted to caffeine, too.
God, what a religious nutjob.
whoa, nobody click on the thumbs up
it’s 1337
*sigh* Religious intolerance = not funny. The responses to this fellows ill-chosen confession = funny.
Especially the morning guy.
That’s pathetic for him. Who cares?
Wouldn’t make it ok, would just make you a frikin dendrophiliac
According to studies, 90% of men masturbate whereas 50-80% of women masturbate.
This suggests that 2-5 times as many women as men are liars.
I’m Famous! lolol.
anyway, it’s interesting how everytime a Christian does something, it becomes a rule that they are being forced to follow lol
Can’t it be like a person choosing to become a vegetarian because they want to?
I did this, because it was just preventing ME from becoming a better Christian. Yawn, and i love how this is being shared all over the world! ROFLROFL.
Maybe it is because the reasons they do things for are irrational in the eyes of nonreligious people? =) I don’t see how you’d be a better christian by not masturbating – I can see reasons why you would not want to masturbate, but not that particular one.
i have no idea what’s so narrow minded about making a decision to not do something? and no one Made me do it.
I did it for my own sake, coz i was more sex-addict then a sex-phobic. Needed a change to bring me back to focus in life =)
Scientists says masturbating at least 21 times at months helps you to take off the 50% of risks of having prostate issues when you will be old.
Ceiling Cat approves it.
roflmao.. fail referencing.
WWCCD
He needs to “thrust in the Lord with all his heart”.
ooo a ficus
!
I’m homosexual, and masturbate. Oh sh*t I’m screwed. o.o
I am VERY late to this party, but here goes:
http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=one-reason-why-humans-are-special-a-2010-06-22
Yes!! Glad I’m not the only one who thought of that!
I hope he doesn’t wear blended fabrics, shudder.